Le Joie De Vivre

I don’t know about you, but as of late I have wafted the pungent smell of desperation in the air, and unfortunately it’s coming from those sporting a double X chromosome. Yes ladies I’m talking about you, desperation it seems, is creeping all over Sydney and it’s taking form in the most unexpected of places.

I know some of you are holding on to the full blown belief that you’re making ‘fashion’ statements in your barely there LBD, that you’re making your eyes ‘pop’ in that hue of blue eye shadow, or that just because he is ‘out of town’ you will text him (this text is following that brief encounter on the dance floor on Saturday). JUST STOP.

Let’s be honest hot thangs, you’re trying to snatch yourself a man and well basically your going about it in ALL the wrong way. A man sees the equivalent of your blue eye shadow desperation and he categorises you into the ‘F is for Fun and F Buddy’ manila folder within his brain. What’s that you don’t believe us? Just ask Bad Boy Steve Santagati.

Let me put it this way if there is anything I have learnt about the male species in my current investigate roll, it is that one should be the exact opposite of desperate; in actual fact one should be the calmest of calms. Unfortunately many pretty ladies lack this fruitful knowledge and that is why we here at The Toast have made an executive decision (made on the dance floor last Saturday), to dedicate a piece on this desperado nature. Because let’s face it, as calm as we want to be after the first encounter with cute coffee boy, who we swear we shared a genuine connection with; our actions often reflect those of a crazed teenage pop fan. In conclusion, not cool.

Enter the French gemstone that is ‘Le Joie de Vivre’. To many it might appear to be just another French phrase much like that of the overused Carpe Diem. But lets face it the French have not failed us yet, I mean hello do you not know where the croissant comes from? This French philosophy of Le Joie de Vivre, is something which I live by and whole heartedly believe is one of the keys to attracting the opposite sex, leaving the desperation at the doorstep and saying bon voyage to all uncertainty. So what exactly is this Joy of Living? Glad you asked, but I was going to tell you anyway.

Just the other day as I strolled up George St. I was loving the unexpected hot weather, loving the fact that I had just finished my gruelling yet rewarding 55-minute spin class and loving the fact that the tunes on my iPod were of a superior standard. The males of Sydney were noticing the extra bounce in my step, two compliments by the George and Park St scramble crossing, one by the bus stop and an ego-boosting amount of looks. Now just a note to all readers; I was not wearing a barely there LBD, I was not sporting blue eye shadow and I was most definitely not texting a jet setting man. Instead I was experiencing the Joy of Living; there is nothing more attractive in a woman than being confident, happy and in control of her destiny. I was just happy to be there in that moment and in turn giving out great energy.

So next time you feel the need to act like that 15 year old ‘Backstreet Boy’ fan, reassess and realise that what you have got around you is exquisite. There is no need to be desperate with the men who come into your life, they will feel your Joie de Vivre, and great things will come of it. - Agi

Lil Kim - relationship guru?

Before I had even taken a sip of my morning coffee, my radio was already blasting me with (yes, you guessed it) Relationship Advice! Like we need more ‘handy hints’ to add to the confusion. But this was coming from a very unlikely source; this advice was coming from none other than Miss Lil’ Kim.

I can hear your cries now; is a woman who classifies a shell sticker as a ‘top’, really the best person to be dishing out relationship advice? And it is even more shocking, that I, an intelligent, confident young woman was tempted to listen to her?
Who does this nipple-bejeweled Diva think she is telling me how to snag a man!

According to Lil’ Kim you will be shacked up in a townhouse in Lovetown simply by following her ’10 Dating Commandments’. These rules you must obey (she claims). Let me break it down for you…

Rule number 1
Never give him someone to turn to at night.
Kimmy is off to a flying start. If he is only contacting you after sunset- drop him like he’s hot. Worse, if you are allowing him to see you only after sunset; he might as well be in your dreams, because that’s where your future relationship is- IN YOUR DREAMS!

Rule number 2
Never bring your man around your crew
Well, this one’s tricky… When we start seeing that special someone, we want to meet his friends, and we cannot WAIT for him to meet ours. But shock horror- he doesn’t want to meet Becky, Marie and Holly? He’d rather stay home and hang /sleep/clean his socks- SAY WHAT!?

But Kim has a point, in what universe do we think it’s a good idea for him to see us being ‘ourselves’ *gasp* with The Girls in this infant stage of the relationship? He hasn’t yet had a chance to digest who our romantic persona is, so we certainly don’t want to confuse him by introducing our friendship persona too soon.

When men are confused they back away, far far away and before you know it POOF! He’s gone, and you’re back to spending every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night with The Girls.

Rule number 3
Never call him first let him call you
She has hit the nail on the head with this one. Well done Kimstar, well done! Short and sweet, let him call you. Do not, I repeat DO NOT pick up that phone. Not convinced? Think i’ve overdosed on crazy powder?

Let me put it this way; who are you more likely to crave friendship from 1) Tina who answers every call (on the first ring) and replies within a nanosecond to every text. Or 2) Mandy who returns our call 3 days later when she can spare a moment out of her super awesome AMAZINGLY exciting life to talk to you. The answer is pretty clear (Hint: it’s Mandy. We all want to be friends with Mandy, she is awesome. Tina is just around for the convenience factor)

Rule number 4
Never let him know your every move
Bit of a no-brainer. Predictability is boring and Spontaneity is Sexy. Spice things up and keep him guessing. If he wanted to date a formula, he’d date E=mc^2

Rule number 5
Never tell him about your past.
As women, we are keen to pour our little hearts out during the ‘bonding’ process, even more so if we really like the guy. But when it comes to dating; this is ALWAYS a mistake. If you want to snag your man, don’t open the flood gates about that ex whose car you keyed, your *amazing* college boyfriend who set the bar 10,000m high for any future guy, or about your guilty conscience over the one night stand you had 3 weeks ago…It’s not about hiding your past, it’s about letting go and not allowing it to affect your future.

When it comes to the past, sometimes that’s where it should be kept- in the past!

Rule number 6
Never mix business with pleasure
Lil Kimmy has obviously never worked with the Boss’s smoking hot Son (Trust me, I speak from experience).

Is that No Inter-Office Dating Policy getting you hot under the collar for James from Accounts? It’s natural to desire what we can’t have, and the same is true for men. While I do see merit in some of Kim’s commandments, I’d have to disagree with this one quite strongly (did I mention the Boss’s HOT Son…) Besides; who is Kim to deny us a rump with a sexy co-worker!

Rule number 7
Never move in unless he tells you
Let’s tweak this to ‘Never move in unless he has put a ring on your finger!’; This commandment I shall obey. Now, repeat a gazillion times (or however many times it takes to sink in). Don’t believe me? Ask Zoe Foster!

Men don’t want to change things that ain’t ‘broke’…so why would he want to put a ring on your finger if the two of you are already living a wonderful life together out of wed-lock? Think about it!

Ring first, Lovenest second.

Rule number 8
Never tell your friends about your bedroom
The jury is still out on whether this should be a full blown ‘commandment’ or mere common courtesy. What-ever your stance, the fact is that Females, and some Males, are partial to a saucy gossip session (the subtext normally being, Booty) and I don’t think that will be changing any time soon….sorry Kimmy, no dice on Rule number 8.

Rule number 9
Never let them know his shoe size
Hmmm I have a sneaking suspicion Kim isn’t talking about shoes.
Let’s just agree on this universal rule Ladies; if it’s small, don’t embarrass your man with your friends. It’s just bad form, and don’t forget our good friend Karma!

Rule number 10
If you give in on the first night, make sure you ride that thing

See even Kim knows you shouldn’t give it up on the first night! And if you do, it better be mind blowingly EPIC (but, no pressure).

If scratching an itch is what you’re after, then scratch away! But if a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p is what you crave, don’t cave on the first date. Why ruin The Chase, and all the fun that goes along with it?

So this concludes Kim’s Step-by-Step guide on how to ‘keep yo man in place, and outta the next girls’ face’. Happy Dating - Rhea